Things I do for money

My dabbling in Buddhist readings in 2011 caused me to relook at the Christmas season this year. That's very Charlie Brown of me, I know, but I couldn't help it. One of the basic tenants of Buddhism is that most of life is suffering and the cause of that suffering is our attempt to struggle out of our current reality. Clinging to things we want, but do not have, will necessarily cause suffering.

Considering this, it's incredibly clear to me why people get depressed during the holidays. Christmas is a big set up for automatic unhappiness. We're constantly reminded of things we want. We're compelled to really focus so much on these things that we make lists of these things. We make more lists of things we want for other people and sigh when our pocketbooks cannot reach as far as our good wishes towards our friends and family.

We're presented with a barrage of projects and events- crafts, recipes, parties to attend, pictures to take, movies to watch. We're bombarded with more food than we could ever fit into our stomachs and holiday clothes we'd like to fit our stomachs into. We see friends and family that we wish we could see more often- that we wish we had more time to spend with.

I took too many clothes on vacation and I believe it may have been a subconcious wish for more time on vacation- which I would need more clothes for.  

I took my annual trip down Hawthorne this year and I had a very different experience than I usually do. I usually spend hours in Powell's buying books that I hope I'll have time to read in the coming year and more hours in the Red Light, buying crazy 80's blouses that I hope I'll eventually be able to construct entire outfits with.  I take up all my time trying to plan out the rest of my time for the year ahead. I try to soak up and/or purchase as much of Portland as I possibly can so I can keep it for the long year back in Los Angeles.

This year- I let it go. I got two books at Powell's (that I'm almost finished with) and instead of plummeting through the used clothes stores I love so much, I spent more time with my dad at home. I made a point- throughout the trip to both New Hampshire and Portland- to let the holidays happen and accept the time passing.

I feel like, in the acceptance of my reality this Christmas, I put myself through less suffering. I'd like that to be my sole resolution for the rest of 2012: to suffer less.

My science of hearing class has now arrived at the subject of the physics of sound. The lecture I worked on today asked "When a sound source vibrates, what is it we hear?" They made it clear that this was not a rhetorical question. The lecture went on to say that a sound source vibrates, it agitates the molecules around it, setting off a series of compactions (condensation) and rarefaction. "Sound waves" are series of vibrating air.

So the the vibrating air hits your ear drum, your ossicular chain transfers that ear drum vibration to your cochlea and your nervous system receives a signal. That signal is what we consider "hearing." We're on the end of a telephone game. It makes me feel a bit alone in the universe.

And by that, I mean, my knowledge of the outside world is bounded by the limits of my senses. It's bounded further by the way my unique brain happens to process the information coming in from my senses. I create my reality. I wonder sometimes how different the world actually is.

I just found my Joni Mitchell "Miles of Aisles" CD while I was looking for my ELO CD (so I could add "Mr. Blue Sky" to my delirious happiness playlist). I bought the Joni Mitchell CD during that crazy 8 weeks of being a totally non-qualified waterfront director at a camp for shallow rich girls and I have to have listened to it a hundred times then. My favorites are "Cactus Tree" and "A Case of You." I have a special relationship with this music so I can't recommend it to other people and think it will have the same effect. I'm glad to have it back.

1. Enlisting Hair Assistance: Need to invest in a "bumpit." I've been fortunate enough to have been cast in two episodes of Padraic Duffy's "Pageant Masters" which involves a very high-maintenance hair-do. I play a little girl in a beauty pageant (very "Toddlers in Tiaras"). I recycled my bridesmaid dress from Tiffany's wedding- pinning it up to make it inappropriately short and covering it in fake pink gerber daisies. The hair takes me about 30-45 minutes... I tease it up- achieving a considerable beehive. I shellac myself in Aquanet and hit it with a blow dryer. That hair's not going anywhere...I curl the rest into ringlets and top it off with a gigantic paper-and-sequin pink daisy clip. Throw on some blue eyeshadow a la Mimi and my matching blue wedding shoes and I'm good to go.

That said- it's really not fun to get home at 2am with the task of combing out the fabulous beehive you so painstakingly created six hours earlier...

Now that Pageant Masters has been voted back- I feel the need to invest in some hair-help. I'll use it even if I don't get to do the show again...

2. Magical Burrito: Chipotle is a wonderful place to be if you're a vegetarian. I had the most magical burrito of my life this weekend. It's like they over-compensate- taking pity on you for not partaking their meat offerings... you get the fajita bell peppers and onions and guacamole at no extra charge. With the pico de gallo and corn salsa- I had most of the colors of the rainbow represented and that's always something I strive for when putting together a meal. AND they charge you a dollar LESS than the meat-burritos! Incredible.

3. The Answer to Wrap Skirts Blowing in the WindI had an epic wrap-skirt-in-the-wind event this weekend. You've all been there, girls... this one was a classic. I was going to a bridal shower and was faced with the parking challenge that accompanies most every friend-visit in Los Angeles. We all live in apartments and all those apartment dwellers park on the street, leaving no room for all their friends... After driving around for about 15 min, I finally found a place right next to an In 'n' Out driveway. For the shower gift, I'd chosen to purchase two sets of cocktail glasses- wrapped separately: one for each arm. With both arms full, I had no arm free to restrain my wrap-skirt.** It was a particularly windy day and as I stumbled down the street, somehow trying to use my momentum to close my skirt with every step, I had several gentleman out for their afternoon beer consumption and cigarette break offer me their assistance. 

"No, I don't need help. From you." 

I finally set the cocktail glasses on a ledge and turned the skirt around on my waist so the wind would blow it closed- not open. I tell this story so you can learn from my mistake.

4.Malibu and Wine: Malibu has some excellent wine places. Michael and I shared a bottle of red at the Rosenthal tasting room on PCH today, enjoying the sunshine and the ocean all the while. We then met up with the lovely Melissa Rister and Kevin Page at Howdy's, cashing in on the Pepperdine alumni 10% discount. From there, we trekked out together down PCH to Kanan Road, hanging a sharp left on Mulholland Highway and arriving at Malibu Wines about an hour before they closed. It's unfortunate they close at 6pm, but we did thoroughly enjoy the laid-backiness of the place. It's very encouraging of picnic lunches and hanging out for hours. They offer a gorgeous backyard-like area with comfortable chairs, pumping classy 1940's music into the air. They got into a America-song medley which I found odd... until someone reminded me it was Memorial Day. (ohimajackass.com)

5. Bored Cops: On our way home, a sheriff pulled Michael over, telling him that his license plate cover obscured his license plate too much (which it doesn't in any way). Didn't give him a ticket... just wasted our time and raised our blood pressure for no good reason. It is a Celtics license plate cover so maybe that had something to do with it, but I think it was more due to a closing Memorial Day weekend quota.
 

6.Anthropologie/y**(this has nothing to do with this weekend at ALL) Found said skirt at Crossroads for $14.00 only to find out it was originally sold by Anthropologie for $70+- SCORE! In researching the origins of my skirt, I uncovered a huge genre of blogs devoted to girls who are addicted to Anthropologie. They wear all their money.

6b. Jon Hurley walked up to me and some other people at a party while we were talking about this skirt and he said, "Anthropology? LOVE it!" ...he meant the study of human beings, not the clothing store.

7. Bite n Suck:Finally invested in a Camelbak bite 'n' suck waterbottle. Convinced this will change my life. I think it's the adult version of the baby-bottle. And I love it.

8. Making Music: Our zombie band wrote a song about a group of people locked in a warehouse. They've run out of food and now know they are going to die. The chorus goes, "At least we'll die together. At least we'll die young." We sing this in 4-part harmony. It was beautiful and super-depressing. I opened the door out of our rehearsal space and stumbled into a gorgeous sunny day thinking, for a split-second, that I was in the afterlife.

I hate feeling stuck. It's such a crappy feeling.

I found myself actually googling "free vacations" this week. I squealed for joy while watching The Office today when Michael Scott told the cameras he was going to a Sandals Resort in Jamaica... All-inclusive. Sigh.

Vacations are expensive. Even the inexpensive ones are too expensive for us right now the way it is though... Sometimes I think that it sucks so bad we can't even consider going away for a weekend for Michael's birthday. Other times I think that I really have it better than so many other people and it's kind of ridiculous that I get so down because I can't possibly make it to Big Sur this year. Or Vegas.

Or to New York to go see The Book Of Mormon on Broadway!! That's a trip I've been allowing myself to fantasize about lately. I've never seen anything on Broadway.

I feel like the crazy insanity brought on by the birth control has mellowed out a bit now. It's not completely gone and I don't feel totally back to normal- but I do feel in control of my emotions. The bad emotions are there, they occur more frequently than I'm used to and I feel that I've developed a spider-sense for pinpointing the roots of things that irritate the hell out of me. I get to decide how to react to these emotions though... so as of today, I feel like this is something I can manage.

I feel more selfish than usual. I kind of just decided I wanted to go to Barnes and Noble and buy myself a book last night. Not that there's anything wrong with that... it's just different than what I'd usually do. I'd usually find the book on Amazon for dirt cheap and patiently wait for it to ship to me.** I also found myself daydreaming about getting my nails done this weekend. And buying a new water bottle.

It's an attitude adjustment I guess. I, like everybody else in the world, have those frequently. I apparently feel the need to justify it- hence the blog entry.

**"To those who might say, "Hey, Lauren! Haven't you ever heard of this thing called "the library"?? It's an incredibly utopian invention of civilization that allows people to borrow books and acquire knowledge for free!": I have racked up so many parking fees, parking tickets, late fees and lost book fees that Amazon has become a much cheaper option for me. I lose and abuse books way too aggressively to patronize the library... although I'm a huge fan of it in theory. I'd probably use it if I lived within walking distance of one.

weight: 158.2

My doctor tried to tell me that the bad reviews of this birth control I was reading existed just because mad people complain more than happy people complement. I did some research of my own with my friends and a lot fewer women I've talked to are actually on the pill than I might have guessed. Those women tell me they've tried it and it "made them crazy." They go on to tell me about how they tried different kinds only to get the same results. I did talk to two women who used the Nuva ring and were happy with it - "except I got a blood clot."

Women's empowerment my foot! 

General irritability for patches of time during the weekend- followed by a complete fly-off-the-rocker to cap off Sunday night. Literally felt like a crazy person.

weight: 158.6

I skipped the journal entry yesterday (but not the pill of course). Nothing really happened that was worth noting. Yesterday, however, I flew off the deep end of irrational rage right before we went out last night. It was set off by me not being able to find the dress I was planning to wear. Michael was trying to be really supportive and told me multiple times that I looked great and to not worry about it. I told him to leave the room at one point and then I made him drive my car to the place. Oh man... it was bad... It felt very much like the PMS kind of mood swings I get once in a while. I was conscious that I was being completely unreasonable but I was incapable of stopping it.

Um... so other than that... no weird symptoms... but if that kind of stuff is going to happen on a regular basis, I'm throwing the rest of the pills away! 

weight: 160

More weird random tingling feelings yesterday and (super minor) chest pains. Really sleepy in the afternoon again. I'm starting birth control while at the same time trying to eat better and exercise and just generally be more healthy. I noticed that as soon as I started exercise regularly, I didn't want to eat as often or as much. For the three days I've been on birth control now, I find myself craving things more. But... I also didn't exercise all weekend or Monday night (because I was being a sleepy-face). Did pilates last night for an hour (that kicked my butt! geez!) so let's see if that does anything. The fitness goal of the day is to drink a lot of water.

Weight: 160.4

Symptoms are so minimal they might not be connected to the birth control. I had some headaches and felt really tired from about 3pm on. Laid down on the couch for about an hour when I got home. (Could just be because I had trouble sleeping the night before) Felt a little "mad housewife" when I was doing the dishes but that went away without snapping. Woke up at 1am and 5am again like the night before but didn't have any sleep trouble other than that.